I Am Done Talking
I am done talking. No really…I can’t do it anymore. Funny position to take, given what I do for a living. But, I am done. I started a conversation just the other day and it went south…fast. I was being “schooled” on the difference between tolerance, compassion and endorsement, when I just disengaged. As I was crafting my witty, brilliant response, I just stopped. I didn’t need to have the last word. There wasn’t a last word to be had. We both had very different views about tolerance and compassion. I just didn’t want to try and understand anymore. And I knew I wasn’t being understood.
This was moral fiber stuff, as my mom used to say. We are talking diametrically opposed values. I was kind of shocked with my stance, my submission. People who know me will tell you, I rarely do that. And yet, surprisingly, I feel stronger for it. I think sometimes you have to know when to quit, when to change the subject.
And then I ask myself, when might this viewpoint actually do more harm than good? When should I stay in the conversation even though it seems we may never understand each other?
by Tags: compassion, conversation, different viewpoints, talking, tolerance, values
April 9th, 2010 at 2:00 pm
I wish we all could learn to do this more, especially me. I am my own worst enemy - even arguing with myself before and after interaction with others because I can’t just stop and move on.
Kudos to you…
April 10th, 2010 at 5:23 am
I can so identify with this issue. Someone sent me a blog from CNN where the writer was told, “It’s not that I don’t understand you. It’s just that I disagree with you.” Sometimes in my zeal to help people understand I forget that they get it. They just don’t agree. A humbling reminder.
April 10th, 2010 at 8:04 am
I have actually practiced this. Most recently with my boss (now there’s a fun position to be in). One interesting thing I have noticed when I do put this tactic into play is that many of the times when I choose to disengage about a topic, the other person will just keep going until they tire themselves out. I then realize that it wasn’t really about whether or not I had an opinion in the first place or even whether or not that opinion was valid. It was just posturing on the part of the other. Maybe I should charge them for that therapy…
April 10th, 2010 at 10:37 am
Wonderful blog topic! Uncovered an interesting perspective on listening in one of my workshops this week. Several people acknowledged thinking if the person to whom they are speaking doesn’t agree with them - it means they aren’t listening. I was stunned. Does this mean if you neither agree nor disagree at least you’re listening? I ask them in our next session.
April 13th, 2010 at 1:28 pm
This is a most refreshing way to approach those situations where fundamental values are dramatically different. Sometimes it’s about agreeing to disagree, respecting each others divergent points of view and moving on. Better that than burn a bridge.
April 16th, 2010 at 10:24 am
I recently realized that I don’t feel heard unless I have actually listened to myself. So I asked a friend to reflect back what he heard me say… not the thoughts but the emotions (NVC inspired) he was feeling from me and that helped me to get clarity on what I was feeling. Once I was in contact with my own emotions I felt heard by “him” (but I’m guessing it really was that I finally heard myself!)
April 19th, 2010 at 12:55 pm
There are an amazing number of people who think that they can talk louder or longer to sway my opinion, as if I am hard-of-hearing or ignorant because I have a different opinion. “Agree to disagree” is not an option for them, only “my way or the highway”. In those instances, healthy conversation will not occur. Once that becomes obvious, tact and tolerance are the best options.
The value of having these people in my life is the reminder for me to be open-minded, patient and to recognize my own stubbornness when it comes into play!
April 27th, 2010 at 7:36 am
When I find myself disagreeing with someone and I have the impression we have fundamentally different assumptions, and they are arguing or trying to persuade instead of discussing and trying to understand, I tend to withdraw. A coach from the 6 Advisors challenged me on this tendency, and I said, “why argue when you will never come to agreement?” She cautioned me that if the other person leaves the conversation thinking I agree with them but I don’t, it could lead to future conflicts (for example if a boss wanted me to take a certain approach). For many topics, a smile and, “I see things a little differently. I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree,” seem to work well. I’ve gotten the impression with some of my family members with strong viewpoints really don’t feel heard, so sometimes reflective listening (without agreeing) can help — “Wow, sounds like you feel really passionate about this. It sounds like you are very concerned that ….”.
May 8th, 2010 at 5:23 am
I just finished Shanti Feldhaun’s book, “The Male Factor,” It was an really interesting read. I think we all have strong emotions on different subjects and that we express those emotions/passions in different ways. Shanti states from her research that we tend to get passionate but it comes out defenisve in one of two ways: 1) anger = emotion; or 2) crying =emotion. But either way, it’s something that one feels passionate about.
And, I think, if we feel passionate we should feel “free” to say something. However, to be heard more completely, we have to do it with respect. Yes, “how” we do it is important.
When I get passionate in the future I plan to say in a very calm voice, especially to my husband and/or someone I care about: “Sweetheart, with all due respect, I see this from a different lens/perspective.” For me, I think the non-verbal communication makes all the difference. (I plan to read the Fierce Conversation book, but haven’t gotten around to it yet.)
May 17th, 2010 at 12:11 pm
For conversations that don’t involve a relationship you care about, I think dropping the topic is the best way (obviously in a way that retains integrity about your own views). The suggestion about reflecting the other’s thoughts in a neutral way was a good one, serving as a summary and not-so-subtle conclusion to that phase of the conversation.
On the other hand, you ask when you should stick with the conversation. I think conversations like these are important to “stick with” in circumstances where the relationship is one you care about or need to maintain (such as a work relationship). I agree that continuing on the path of “discussion” may not be the best approach when the subject is intractable, or without resolution, as these “moral fiber” issues often are. At the same time, just dropping the topic and absenting your true self from the conversation could have relational implications.
I wonder whether an effective retreat tactic might be to shift the focus of the conversation to the relationship itself at that point? Perhaps something like, “I can see we are both really passionate about our beliefs, and those beliefs are really different. What do you think would be the best outcome of this conversation for us as ?” Ideally, the resulting conversation could adjust both of your expectations about “converting” the other person’s ideas, while at the same time affirming your commitment to respecting/valuing the other. Another valuable benefit might be to lay some ground rules for how to avoid, or–at best–deal with the topic should it arise again.
June 14th, 2010 at 5:54 am
Sometime I think we put too much emphasis being ‘understood’, being right, or having the last word! What if we simply acknowledge varying perspectives and let go of needing to be right or understood? A complemetary approach is to impart curiosity - asking questions of the other person about their position - how it has impacted their life or use ‘for instance’ scenarios and ask them how their perspective applies in a given situation. I’ve found that extendeding a conversation from a place of authentic curiousity vs. proving I’m right tends to go a long way to creating meaningful conversations.